Here, There and Everywhere

The Smoothie Goddess

Great-Am-SmoothiesGreat American Smoothies: The Ultimate Blending Guide for Shakes, Slushes, Desserts, & Thirst Quenchers
by Gabriel Constans
(One of the first books of smoothies published in North America. Avery Publishing, 1997)

The Smoothie Is Born

Long ago and far away, in the land of hither and yon, there lived a legendary goddess. She wasn’t your average, run-of-the-mill goddess; she didn’t rule the earth, fire, love, or other elemental realms, but her magic surpassed that of all other gods. She was the keeper of the Original Smoothie Recipe.

Without her intervention, human beings would have remained in darkness. Out of her immense compassion, the greatest potion ever tasted by mortals was revealed. This extraordinary event, which changed drinking history forever, came to pass in the year 1981. It went something like this…

After months of frustration with unwholesome, commercial baby food, a man bade farewell to his family and friends and embarked on a perilous journey. He would travel to the ends of the earth to find a healthy food alternative for his one-and-a-half-year-old daughter, one without sweeteners, chemicals, or food coloring.

He traveled countless miles through the desert, over the mountains, and across the sea, until he finally arrived at a cave in the deepest jungle of Freedonia. It was in the recesses of this dark cave that he began to contemplate his predicament – he was dying of thirst.

He repeated the essential question out loud again and again: “Is there anything to drink around here?”

After three days of thirst his throat was parched, his legs ached, and his mind began to wander. Suddenly, in the soft darkness of the cave, he heard a faint, soothing voice calling softly, “Smoothies… Smoooothies… Smooooooothies.”

“Who’s there?” asked the enthralled and terrified man.

As he rubbed his eyes, there appeared before him a goddess in the shape of a swirling, ten-foot-tall, ripe banana.

“I am the one and only. I am the great, incredible, spectacular, outrageous, humble, long-winded Smoothie Goddess.”

“Well, of course you are. Anyone could see that,” he replied. And then he asked the earthshaking questions, “What in heaven’s name is a smoothie?”

She glared at him as only a Smoothie Goddess can and said, “You mean you don’t know?” Then she remembered that she had been playing solitaire for eons and hadn’t told anyone her secrets. After so many years alone in a cave, you start to forget things.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Of course you don’t know. How could you?”

Without further hesitation, she revealed to him the secret potion of the gods – the smoothie. She instructed him in all facets of the art of preparing smoothies. (A blender, refrigerator, and electrical socket were conveniently located in the back of the cave, and powered by a solar panel outside.) She made him solemnly promise to reveal her smoothie secrets to all the people on earth and no one else.

After a week of intense instruction, the man returned to his home. From that moment on, everyone who met him could feel the presence of the goddess within him. Day after day, he blended his not-so-secret concoctions for babies, children, young adults, and grown-ups. His life was filled with peace and happiness as his recipes spread throughout the world’s kitchens.

He continues to share the secrets entrusted to him by the great Smoothie Goddess with all who seek the essence of cool refreshment. The legend of this historical event continues. Disciples of the Smoothie Goddess are being initiated on a daily basis. The man’s vision of the goddess in a cave, far from home, was the beginning of a never-ending story.

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